Notes from a Totally Lame Vampire by Tim Collins

Pages: 329

Intended Audience: Tweens and up

Genre: Paranormal / Humour

Notes for parents: Some mature scenes

The Back Cover

Nigel Mullet isn’t your typical teenager…he’s a vampire! But unfortunately, when Nigel transformed, he didn’t become all broody and interesting, and as for super strength and speed…well, forget it! Nigel got acne, a voice that squeaks, a tendency to break out in a rash (not sparkles!) when exposed to the sun, and still had absolutely no idea how to talk to girls. Nigel just may be the first and only lame vampire on record.

When a beautiful new girl comes to school, Nigel is determined to impress her. Of course, that would mean actually speaking to her…and he will…eventually. But until he can win the girl and respect of his family, Nigel will just be utterly lame.

What the Back Cover doesn’t tell you:

It’s a diary with drawings in the style of Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

What’s good?

Nigel is a high-schooler who’s awkward, clumsy, suffers from acne, has an annoying little sister, has a crush on the new girl, and happens to be a 100-year-old vampire. This is a quick and easy read with some genuine humour (Hint: it’s funnier if you read it with a British accent). It pokes fun at teens, romance, poetry, and especially vampires.

Best part: When his sister joined Team Werewolf.

What’s not so good?

Nigel is unlikeable. He’s whiney and angst-ridden to the point of annoyance. He’s had 100-years to figure out teenage hood and still he complains! Worst yet, for someone so unfortunate, he’s judgemental, commenting on people’s looks, saying disparaging things about his friend’s girlfriend, and being mean to his friend Darren.

I didn’t like how he betrayed his family in the end, either.

Worst part: The thirst for blood as a metaphor for sex was…lame.

Recommendations þþooo

I was surprised by how many good reviews this book received. The story wasn’t overly exciting – there was no actual action until the end. It was funny, but not hilarious. And there was no dialogue, just storytelling. The only reason I finished it was because it was so quick and easy to read. While I personally wouldn’t recommend this book, it did, like I mentioned, get many good reviews from others. If you like Diary of a Wimpy Kid or the Adrian Mole books, you may enjoy this.

Collins, Tim. Notes from a Totally Lame Vampire. New York: Scholastic, 2011.

(Originally published in 2010 as Diary of a Wimpy Vampire by Michael O’Mara Books)